Finding Freedom in Doing God's Will

"Let a man set his heart only on doing the will of God and he is instantly free."--A. W. Tozer The Pursuit of God.

This quote appeared as part of a larger section on my perpetual desk calendar this past week. The portion printed above has been gnawing at my brain all week. Like many individuals, I frequently succumb to bouts of what if, should have done, could have done, should do, or could do. For me, these questions frequently center around choices I have made about my children, their education, my working outside the home, and what I can alter from this point forward. These are all areas where individuals and families make a variety of choices depending on their own circumstances which have no one right or wrong answer. I've recently been wrestling with some of these issues again--particularly in light of other recent life experiences and changing priorities.

This quote has helped to bring focus and clarity to some of the questions with which I've been wrestling. While I can't say they have all been answered, these words are a great reminder that the will of God must be the primary focus for a believer. While knowing God's will is not always easy, I can know without any hesitation that time spent teaching and training my children and others in the Word, feeding my own soul on the riches of scripture and God's presence, helping to promote God's desire of having worshipers from every language and people group is always the right thing to do. And that has indeed been a very freeing realization.

What I Learned While in the Hospital

Several weeks ago, I had the experience of spending five days in our local hospital. As hospital visits usually are, this was quite unplanned and unexpected. I had worked late on a Friday evening finishing up a presentation I was to give the next day. As I was finally leaving the office at 8:00 p.m., I called my husband to let him know I was driving to the local E.R. as I was having chest pains. I wanted to have it checked out as I have had previous issues.

Arriving at the hospital, I anticipated having an EKG and other standard tests completed and then being sent home with instructions to follow up with my primary care doctor and perhaps cardiologist the following week. Soon after arriving however, I found this was not a typical visit as the nurses began an IV and informed me I was going to be admitted. My blood work showed I had rhabdomyolysis. My first reaction was "Rhabdo what? I soon learned that I had elevated CPK levels due to a combination of the statin I was taking and an overly strenuous session in the weight room earlier that week. I soon found myself texting numerous people to obtain the appropriate contact information for the individuals in charge of the faculty development day to let them know I was out of commission. I was very thankful that my student workers had their phones with them and willingly responded to random text messages from the boss on a Friday evening and had the number I needed.

After being admitted late on the Friday evening, I wasn't released until Wednesday when my blood tests showed that my CPK levels and other enzymes being monitored had dropped enough to go home but were not quite normal yet. Spending several days in the hospital gave me plenty of time for reflection and the opportunity to learn a variety of things.

1. To begin with I spent a great deal of time being thankful. I'm thankful that we have a wonderful hospital facility in our community. Being at our local hospital rather than a larger hospital in a nearby city allowed my family to visit me every day. I'm also thankful that I have access to health care and have health insurance, although I'm still not looking forward to seeing the bill.

2. I'm thankful for my husband who kept everything going in my absence. My kids were fed, had clean clothes, and arrived at church and school on time. They even attended their regular after-school activities. He also with my instruction and the promise to shred my passwords was able to load the video I had completed and send the URL to the appropriate dean so at least part of my morning presentation could take place.

3. I'm thankful for friends who looked in on me while I was in the hospital and have continued to check to make sure I'm doing fine since coming home. I purposefully only alerted people on a "need to know" basis but am very thankful for all who prayed for me, looked in on my family, and visited me. One particular friend actually visited me while doing her rounds and drawing my blood each morning. We even arranged an after-school pickup and play date.

4. I learned not to take my privacy for granted. As a mom, I'm used to a lack of privacy, but privacy was non-existent my first few days in the hospital. I even had the experience of having a student who attended an information literacy session earlier that week serve as the CNA and help me change my clothes. I'd really rather not be top less in front of a student again.

5. The above situation and needing to be waited on by all of the various staff members increased my willingness to let others serve me. I'm typically an "I'll do it myself" type of gal but being in the hospital quickly brought that to a halt.

6. I greatly enjoyed the opportunity to rest and read while being in the hospital and for the next couple of days as I continued recuperating. I really needed the reminder of the importance to focus on what is most important and to cut back on non-essential activities.

7. This experience was also a wonderful reminder of my need to depend on God and draw strength from Him.

Responding to random comments

Last week someone made an off-handed comment that really bothered me. I'm certain they didn't mean anything by it, but it's one of those things that keeps coming back to my mind. I was making idle conversation with someone and inquired how his kids were responding to his wife taking a position. He responded that the position was only 20 hours a week because they had decided that having someone at home was more important than making lots of money.

Frequently, individuals have made comments like this and they seem to paint that everyone who works does so in order to make lots of money to the detriment of their children. However, they don't know the specifics of individual circumstances that cause people to work. Do I wish that I didn't have to work? Sure I do sometimes but until recently, it wasn't a questions of if I wanted to work. And now I feel like I'm in a scenario that my company has invested time and energy into my professional development and that I couldn't quit even if I wanted to. But if I did quit, what would I do? Well, I'd end up volunteering at a variety of things and basically be working anyway.

Passing Over Easter

I finished another book from my reading challenge list this morning. Passing Over Easter by Shoshanah Feher was a good book although not quite what I expected. I expected a book that was primarily about the religious and cultural practices of Messianic Jews . Although this subject was touched on briefly, the book was in actuality an ethnographic study of Messianic Jews which compared and contrasted Messianic Jews, traditional Jews, and evangelical Christians. Not having considered those relationships in depth before, it was interesting to realize that there are significant boundaries between Messianic Jews and evangelical Christians which they refer to as Gentile Believers in addition to the expected differences between Messianic and traditional Jews.

My personal experience with Messianic Jews has been extremely minimal although I would love to visit a congregation some time. The Old Testament feasts and festivals and Jewish practices are intriguing and the little bit of reading and study I have done on the topic has enriched my faith quite a bit. This is an area that I would like to learn more about and to incorporate more fully into our family life, yet I'm not quite ready to give up Christmas yet (although we try to scale back). In addition, I think that it would be easier to practice these traditions in community. For example, although I have purchased and read various sources, because these practices are so foreign it would be really helpful to have a mentor who could demonstrate how to do these things. In a similar way, I would love to practice formal morning and evening prayer within our family, but I really feel a need for someone to show me how or at least to see what it looks like in real life. I'm finding myself attracted more and more to a liturgical tradition, but the actual practice is a stumbling block in my current life situation.

On that note, I must confess our observance of Lent was mostly non-existent. We do a pretty good job with Advent, but there is so many external stimuli that feed into that observance. Lent and Easter, except for specials on seafood, doesn't have the same focus. Except for the fairly recent observance of Ash Wednesday at my institution and services during Holy Week, the weeks of Lent pass by without much thought. I just need to plan better and earlier next year and find an accountability partner or family.

General updates and musings

Well, our family has joined the vast number of other families in succombing to the lure of a mini-van. We found a great deal on a new model that will allow us to take extended family members with us on trips and better be able to take friends on shorter trips. DD is very excited about being able to have friends over more easily.

888 Reading Challenge: I'm gradually plugging along on my reading challenges. I'm dreadfully behind on the theme challenge but will hopefully catch up quickly. While the discipline of sticking with a reading plan is good, I find there are always numerous other books that appear (particularly in my line of work) that are just too good to resist or that fit a current information need. So I have lots of stacks of books by my bed that are waiting to be read in addition to the items on my list.

As always, I'm trying to figure out how to reasonably accommodate the half-millions things that I want to do in 24/7. It is particularly frustrating trying to schedule those activities that I know will make my life infinitely better (exercise, spiritual disciplines, home cooking) but cannot seem to fit in. In particular, I need to refrain from comparing myself and my life/schedule with others as not only does everyone have an unique set of life responsibilities and opportunities, but it only serves to make me more frustrated. However, when LibrarianMom rules the universe, everyone will have a 4 day work week.